How long have I slept? Twelve hours? Three days? Four...Five? One week? Two? I've had enough sleep. More than enough. But still, I feel so tired and weak. I don't want to open my eyes, I want to sleep more.
She noticed the door was ajar. Close it before you sleep. Then, she rose up and went towards the door. She saw a light. Not a light coming from a lamp or bulb. It was a light that she had seen from the movies, when something from heaven landed on earth. That kind of light. She adjusted the door to have a better view of the light. Gradually, the light faded leaving a thin fog, inside were four people. They looked like a family. There was a man, a woman, and two girls. The smaller girl turned her back and met her gaze. It was me, thirteen years ago.
"Omma, Hangul day is next week. Seonsaengnim told us we can go to school not wearing uniform. Could you please buy me a new dress?" The little me said.
"You can wear your eonni's old clothes, they look new. Besides, I have to pay for your tutor." Omma said
"Omma!" The little me exclaimed.
"Kini ya! If you could just get a higher grade like your sister, we don't have to hire a tutor. Get an A and we'll get you a new dress, arasseo?" Dad said and the argument was over.
Then, they disappeared. It might be just a hallucination from innumerable medicines they gave me. Then, the fog came in again. This time, I saw girls in High School uniform, squealing over pictures. A girl approached them, she looked familiar. Omo, it was me! She asked about the pictures.
"This is Super Junior. They just debuted yesterday, look they have twelve members so far. Omo, they look great! But Siwon oppa for me is the best!"
"No! Donghae oppa is the best! Kini, what do you think?"
"Me? Hmm.. I think... this one." I said and pointed to a certain guy in the picture.
"Ah! Kim Heechul!"
Like the first one, they were gone along with the mist except for Kini. She remained standing there, and out of nowhere, a boy came into the scene. Ha Seunghyun? My sunbae in High School and my crush. Well, most of the girls have crush on him. Sunbae gave me a letter attached to a rose. That could be the happiest moment of my High School life.
"Sunbae, what is this?" I said, I lowered my head so he could not notice how my face got red.
"Love letter." Omo! He likes me too!!! "I want to give that to your sister, but I don't have the courage to do it. Can you, please?"
She wanted to give the letter back and walk away but before she could even do that, Seunghyun had already vanished. Kini remained but the background had changed into her room. Pictures of Super Junior on her wall and a solo picture of Heechul framed next to her bed. Kini heard a knock and opened the door. It was Suri asking her to come out of the room and joined them downstairs. In a blitz, the bed was transformed to a sofa, Super Junior became paintings of traditional Korean houses and picture of Heechul came to life.
"Abeoji, Omma, Kini, this is Heechul, my boyfriend." Suri announced.
Before they could react, they had dropped out of sight including Kini. The fog did not come back. It was probably the end. She closed the door with pain in her heart. She went back to her bed, covered her face with the pillow, pressing it against to stop the tears, to not see anything like fog and people, and what happened in the past.
Ever since we're young, it was always eonnie. Abeoji loves her more. Omma loves her more. I would wear her old school uniform, her old clothes. Abeogi never misses school events when it comes to eonni. Even in school, teachers compared me to eonni, implying she's better than me. Even Seunghyun oppa likes her. I diverted my attention and emotion to Super Junior and Heechul oppa. But in the end, Heechul likes her too. It was always her. It was always her. I hate her. No! You can't hate her, she's your sister. But it was always her!!!
With pillow on her face, the thrust became harder and harder as she fought against herself, her thoughts, her feelings. What she had seen was some moments in the past she tried to neglect. The pillow became harder again that she couldn't breathe, she moved her face to her left and right. She noticed that her hands were not on the pillow anymore. Someone was holding it and pressing hard. It was herself. Jang Kini in High School uniform. No!!!
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Kini was moving her face left to right, as if catching for air. It alarmed Sungjoon, who was patiently watching her since she was confined in the hospital. She must be having a nightmare. Sungjoon shook her, waking her and shouting her name. Soon, she was able to open her eyes after a long hours of sleep. That dream almost killed her. But it showed the past. Could she still call it a dream? Or the truth? She saw Sungjoon, his worried face deprived of sleep, his alert eyes due to adrenaline of her awakening. She launched herself to Sungjoon arms and started to cry.
Sungjoon tried to comfort her with words, patting her back. He remembered Suri, who rushed to Super Junior dorm when the news of Siwon missing broke out. "Let me call your sister, and tell her you've finally awakened."
"No. Please no." Kini whispered
"But Kini.."
"I dreamed of her, the moment she introduced Heechul oppa to the family. I don't know but it hurts me so much. Why do I feel this way? Its just so wrong."
"But you love her, you love your sister, right?" Kini just nodded. "And Hyung, do you love him?" The question was too much to answer. Kini did not even move. She looked for Sungjoon's eyes that was looking intently at her, waiting for an answer. He knows the answer. Kini moved her head away to avoid Sungjoon's gaze but the latter cupped her face in his both hands and kissed her.
"Sungjoon ssi..."
"For weeks I have waited for you to wake up. And I guess, I have to wait again." Sungjoon said and left the room.
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There were only Ryeowook, Kyuhyun and Heechul in the dorm. The others went to see the accident scene. Suri brought food for them, if you did not ask them to eat, they would not eat. The news left them devastated.
Suri sat beside Heechul and served him a green tea. Siwon is missing. Kini's condition. Should we cancel the wedding? Her phone rang. It was an unknown number. She answered it and heard an unfamiliar voice.
"Who's this?"
"Oh hi! Are you okay now? How was your head?" the man on the other line asked her. This left Suri bemused.
"My head? Wait, who's this?"
"Oh I'm sorry, this is Jeremy Lin. I'll be leaving Korea in two days, I'm here in Mokpo now and planning to see Yudal mountain tomorrow. If you like, we can go together."
There’s a rumor that Jeremy Lin secretly went to Korea. Be alert. Jeremy Lin, in Korea?
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Helen was in the car heading to the accident scene. She knew that the place was a short cut to the airport if you were coming from Daejeon. She felt that she was culpable for what happened, she knew that Siwon would go to the airport to stop her. On her lap, rest a letter she made for Siwon. She opened it and read it to herself.
Siwon ssi,
If you're reading this letter, I might be in Germany or I was able to give it to you personally in the airport. I'm so sorry.
It was a roller coaster week for us, you almost lost your best friend because of me. Yes, almost because I'm still hoping you two can patch it up. I lost him, anyway. Maybe, you're wondering why would I go to Germany. It was a spur of the moment decision, I admit. But I think it would be the best for us. It's not just about you or about Donghae. I want to go to Germany to find myself. Again.
Since I was a child, my dream is to become a doctor and I want to study in Germany because the country is popular in that field. Until I met you, I was strayed from taking the path to medicine. Instead, I became an entertainer. Everything about me has changed and I felt it wasn't me anymore. There was a new person inside my body. I want to find myself again.
I want to find the old Gongju, whom you fell for. I think that Gongju would be able to guard your heart better. I love you and I will be looking forward to see you again.
Love,
Gongju
The car pulled over, they finally arrived at the accident scene. She wiped off her face with the back of her hand and folded back the letter now blotted with tears. She got out of the car and headed to the police line tape. The police stopped her from stepping further, she acted like she did not hear it. She wanted to jump off the cliff and search for Siwon there.
"Miss, you're not allowed here." The police said blocking Helen's way. Helen pushed herself as if not hearing a thing when a voice that was so familiar to her for two years called to her.
"Yoon Gongju, don't be so stubborn." It was Donghae. He was walking towards her and passed a can of beer in the air. "Catch. Lets have a drink"
Donghae led her to his car and sat on the trunk. Helen did the same and enjoyed the beer in frustration and desperation.
"Go to Germany." Donghae broke the silence.
"What?" Helen said, her voice was a bit annoyed. Hearing Donghae asking her to go to Germany when Siwon was missing was too much.
"The gift appears, when the receiver is ready, isn't it?"
"What do you mean?"
"Find yourself and we will find him. We will find Siwon, I know that. I don't know when but we will find him." Donghae stood up and faced Helen. "For now, lets be friends." He said and offered his hand, which Helen wholeheartedly accepted.
