Wild Past

Donghae gave Helen a lift home. Donghae's eyes were focused on the road but took time to check Helen, who was seated on the passenger seat. Her head was leaning on the side window, her eyes were looking somewhere... far... in the distant past. Six years ago.

***
It was my second year in college. I left the dorm to join Suri and Ara in their apartment. They were my college best friends though were taking different courses. Ara was the career woman, we called her that. She was a consistent dean's lister and apart from that, she had many organizations in the university. She was very intimidating, sometimes. Suri, on the other hand, was the popular girl. She was a looker. That's why it did not surprise me when one day, Heechul called her and asked her out on a date. And me, I was a wallflower.


Suri agreed to the date with the condition that she would bring a friend, a chaperon. First, she asked Ara but the latter declined. I knew it, Ara really liked Heechul even though she did not tell us about that. So, I was the only choice. I also liked to see Heechul, I was a fan. So I agreed.

It was a Sunday, the moment Suri and I came out of our apartment, a car stopped by us. It was Heechul's. The front seat was empty, obviously Suri had to fill that in. So, I opened the door of the backseat. I was surprised to see a guy already seated. Heechul introduced us to him. He is Choi Siwon.

Siwon gave me a warm smile. It was enchanting I found myself staring at his flawless face whenever I had the chance. We went to Everland Theme Park. That was my 56th time there but I never felt so excited. It seemed like I set my foot there for the first time... first time with Siwon?

Most of the time, I was left with Siwon since Heechul and Suri had their own world. I had no problem with that. I remembered a line from Shakespeare, when I sit in in Suri's Literature class. "When I saw you I fell in love, you smiled because you knew." I looked at him again, feeling like a High School student who was stealing a glance from his crush. And I was an inexperienced thief, he caught me looking at him. But the good thing was, he smiled. Does he know?

The date ended with Heechul and Suri agreed on the next one. Only the two of them. It made me sad, not because of Everland but it deprived me of the chance to see Siwon again. But it didn't last, the next Sunday I received a call from a new number. It was Siwon, he asked if I was busy. Though, I had to prepare for my exam, I agreed to see him. I was very elated. I was floating in happiness and gravity didn't mind to pull me back on the ground.

We met at Starbucks, he ordered Americano. He asked me what I want, I was so overwhelmed by my excitement I said anything. He ordered the same for me. Oh no, I don't drink coffee. He noticed that I drank sparingly. Soon, I was served a white tea. After we finished our drink, his face become serious and charming at the same time. Is he going to confess his feelings?

But no, he invited me to his church. I was disappointed at first, I had expected too much. But a religious guy is not bad after all. Maybe he was taking it slow. Soon, I found myself in his church every Sunday. We became very close. Until one day, seeing him every Sunday didn't suffice my need. I want to see him every day.

I joined Unicef, where he was a volunteer to get closer to him. But my greedy heart wanted more. And I had never imagined myself queuing for SMent Audition. I was accepted as a trainee. It was a surprise to me. I didn't know I could do those things, sing, dance, act. I never knew I had the talent.

Siwon didn't expect to see me training. I had no idea what was going through his mind. Since then, he became a bit distant. How ironic, before I hardly see him now I see him everyday but it seemed like I never exist. Then, one day I received a news, I will sign a contract! I was really happy. Is Siwon happy for me too?

SM invested on me. I was given money to shop for new clothes and plotted my salon visit. From a wallflower I bloomed. Suri's admirers was cut in half because of me. Heechul also noticed it and sometimes used his remarks to make Suri jealous. I was a new Gongju. Men  from the university would ask for my number, even my address. The change was really great. That's why Lee Sooman named me Helen. Helen of Troy. The face that launched a thousand ships. Because even trainers from different agencies would pay me a visit.

But I only want one. Siwon oppa. I was not a wallflower anymore. It gave me the courage to confess my feelings. The night before my debut, I had the chance to talk to him. Us, alone.

"Oppa, I really wanted to tell you this. I like you. No, I think I love you. I trained so hard because of you, because I want to see you. You made me do the things that I never knew I'm capable of. I even joined Unicef and got a closer relationship with God." I said teary eyed. The feeling was really overwhelming but most relieving. The feeling when you said you love him.

It took Siwon completey by surprised. He hugged me tight then released me from his arms. No! I want to be in your arms forever. He looked me in the eye. "I'm sorry, I think I can't reciprocate it." His words were like slap on the face. I felt numb.

"I appreciate the things you've done for me. And for the things that I inspired you to do. But, please don't act as if I need to love you back." he left. He left me with a bleeding heart.

Since then, I promised to myself that I will be the best he never had.

****

"We're here." Donghae said maneuvering the car to the parking lot. Helen was forced to return to the present. He observed Donghae, her boyfriend. The man who was head over heels with her and Siwon's friend.

"I have a shoot at noon, you rest, okay?" Donghae said as he stopped the car. Helen gave him a reassuring smile and clambered out of the car.

"Thanks for the ride. I love you." Helen said... for the first time.